His Posessions

We gathered Asher's belongings during our visit to New York. 

Before he flew to Peru, he had organized and stored all the things he wanted to keep, mainly clothing and the tools of his trade: knives, serving pieces, and other kitchen tools. We didn't know how much there was, exactly where it all was, or whether we would want to bring it all back to Israel with us, if we could manage it.  In the end, we bought a couple of extra suitcases and managed to get everything back on the plane with us, without even paying for overweight.

His belongings are emotionally charged for us.  The knapsack he took with him to Peru is still sitting in my cluttered office, encumbering it even more.  About six months ago, I opened it, went through it, and took a few things out of it - such as a pair of rubber shoes that I've been wearing, to connect myself to him.  Then I put everything back.  I can't bear the thought of deciding what's good enough to give away, what we should throw away, what we can use, and what we should save to remember him by.  

When I opened the knapsack, I found some Peruvian textiles, gifts for Judith, and some hats he had bought for his nephews and niece.  Judith and I just looked at the gifts and wept.

Now we have a lot more of his stuff.

What are we supposed to do with it?

There were some shoes among his belongings, and at first we didn't even want to throw those out, but we realized there was no point in keeping them.  Who would have worn them?

I imagine we'll go through his things and cry about every item.

Perhaps we'll know better who he was after we see what he owned and kept.

He also left a journal, of which I have only read a few lines.  

When he was missing, and we thought (hoped?) that he might have  decided to disappear intentionally, we considered showing the journal to a psychologist, to get an insight into his state of mind and guide searches for him.  But his body was discovered, and in fact there was nothing mysterious about his disappearance, so there was no reason to show the journal to anyone.

I don't plan to read the journal.  It would be wrong to invade his privacy.  So should I destroy it?  I can't bring myself to do it.